I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
