Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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