take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
