can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
