Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
