he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
