my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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