I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
