I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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