Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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