The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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