Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
