I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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