There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
