if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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