have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
