remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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