either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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