Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
