Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
