Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
