He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They are going to name an STD after you.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
