You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
