I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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