Don't make out with my wife yet
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
