Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
