So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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