FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
