I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
