'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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