you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
