I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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