You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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