Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
