you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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