How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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