A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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