so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
