I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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