No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I love having hate sex.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
