I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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