singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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