so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
