11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
