Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
