Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
