If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
