im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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