You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
