she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
