Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
