tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
